It's been quite the year.

This year has gone by so quickly it doesn't even seem real. I haven't thought to blog in a very long time, and truly thought that no one would care to see what I have to say. So if you're reading this, thank you, you have proven me wrong. I thought I would blog now just for me. I enjoy having a place to record my thoughts as well as the changes that happen in our little family. It also helps me to remember this time in my life, a time I really don't want to forget. The days are long but the years are short they say!

Abby is now 10 months old (can you even believe it?). She is the best little baby ever. She is so very happy and sweet. She enjoys snuggling, which is a welcome treat, and eating, another treat, and just being alive. I attribute this fully to her Daddy who has such a love for life and a happy disposition (90% of the time). Truly these two seem to not have much to be sad about, it helps remind me that there is so much good in the world. 

Now where to even begin. This year has been a bit of a whirlwind, but I guess I'll start back at the beginning. Abby was born in December, her birth was amazing, short and very empowering. I would do it all over again, just to get the high feeling that I had for weeks after she was born. A few months in to the life with two children I began to notice I was especially angry, not a super common feeling for me. I was sure that it wasn't postpartum depression, since I wasn't weepy or feeling down, just plain grumpy and angry. I did a bunch of reading and searching and came to an article that really stopped me and had me change my tune. The article is here: http://www.scarymommy.com/moms-anxiety-makes-her-angry/ in case you want to read it. It was after reading this article that I realized I was struggling with postpartum anxiety. I have had anxiety for a very long time, I've had panic attacks, struggles getting out of bed, terror in making a phone call, being overly critical and analytical about a simple phrase said to a stranger and many of the other things that come with anxiety. I've dealt with it. This, however, was different. I couldn't control my feelings. I would put my baby in her bed, head into my room and then scream and punch my pillow. I'd feel guilt for not taking monthly baby pictures, or posting details about Abby's growth. I would feel anger towards myself for not being a better mom. I would lash out at my toddler for a very small and innocent act. I felt insecure with my husband, certain that I wasn't good enough for him anymore. I was not coping, I was not doing well. I decided I needed some help, which was a very scary notion. I was started on an anxiety medication called Celexa. They started me on a very low dose (which seemed reasonable) and decided to monitor me. Well a month and half in, and I still felt it. I was sure this anger was just a part of me now. I went in again and they upped my dosage. Within a week, I was a different person. Despite the sleepless nights, the struggle to balance, and the potty training endeavor I had undertaken, I was a happier person. I have honestly never felt this good in my life. I've been to therapy, I've learned the coping mechanisms. Nothing has helped me as much as this decision did. It was a terrifying thing for me to do. What would people think of me? Did this make me a crazy person? You know what though, I don't care anymore. This is something that helps me function and be a better, kinder person and a happier mom. That's something I wouldn't trade for the world.

I didn't intend for this post to get so personal, but this is part of my life, and it's a big part. Now that I am feeling good, life with two kids is doable. Porter is the best brother, he is learning (over and over again) how to share and use gentle hands. Why is it that toddlers never seem to learn how to be gentle? 

Abby is a little spitfire. Matt says she is feisty like her mama. I don't know if I believe this sentiment, but he may be on to something. She has quite the voice on her (just like her Nanny) and is just a little sweetheart. I call her my angel baby, she has been the most easy-going, happy baby that I have ever come across, and she's all mine! 

This past few months we had some family photos taken. On three separate occasions. I'll let you guess how the kids felt about that. I'm happy we did them though. I love to look at pictures. They take you back to a moment in time, a memory, that would otherwise fade so quickly. With that said, I might as well overload this post with pictures. So here goes.

*The talented photographers that took our family pictures are Jennie - Guenard Photography and my long time bestie Brigitta - B Free Photography.

Cooper Family

Siblings

Best Friends

Whiteley Family